Land of the lost lip balms

Every year at the Minnesota State Fair the good folks from the StarTribune give away funny flavored lip balms. They've had bacon balm (tasted like Mrs. Butterworth syrup), brat balm (tasted like dill mustard), and buttered corn balm (simply delicious!).

This year I asked one of the balm distributors how many tubes they order each year and was told, "That is classified information."

Not satisfied with her answer, I pressed further, "So, you don't actually know the number, do you?"

My question only served to annoy lip balm lady. "I do know."

Summarily dismissed, I walked away with a tube of cut grass balm (tasted like a warm spring breeze) in my fanny pack and a curious head full of questions.

Where do these mysterious balms come from? Who thinks up these flavors? How many more flavors can they possibly create? How do I collect every odd flavor ever to fill a plastic cylinder?

A weekend visit to our handy Ax-Man Surplus store fulfilled my wildest heavenly lip balm fantasies. For $1.95 each I could fill a dozen fanny packs with flavors like mac and cheese, chocolate milkshake, and popcorn.

I feel like the secrets of the weirdly flavored lip balm world are suddenly open to me.

At Called to the Table today another secret is revealed: where did the lobster egg rolls stashed in my high school friend Sarah's freezer come from? Hmm... lobster egg roll lip balm, anyone?